Dealing with Social Anxiety

Just thinking about speaking in front of a group of people or about walking into a room where I don't know anyone makes my palms sweat and my heart race. I've always had a small group of friends, and I like it that way. When I was in high school and college, I rarely raised my hand in class to answer questions, instead using my more advanced written expression skills to prove to my teachers/professors that I was indeed paying attention in their classes. In college, I coped with my feelings of social anxiety by binge drinking on the weekends, which I wouldn't recommend. I was a psychology major, so I knew all about the "smart" ways to handle social anxiety--deep breathing, visualization exercises, exposure therapy, keeping a journal, etc.--but drinking seemed to be a more fun way to deal back then. Now that I've finished college and graduate school and worked for a few years in the "real world," I can say that I'm still often a nervous wreck when it comes to meeting new people or speaking in public, but I've learned how to cope in healthier, more effective ways.

Put yourself out there. My family moves around a lot because my husband is in the military, and I've had to move to areas where I don't know a single person. I've found myself participating in game nights with total strangers, volunteering to be Treasurer of the Family Readiness Group, and texting women whom I've never met to see if they want to join me for lunch. Sure, I'd just as soon stay at home and read a good book, but sometimes I crave human interaction (don't we all?), so, as much as it scares me (and boy, does it!), I put myself out there.

Take it slowly. In psychology, exposure therapy is often used to gradually expose a person to that which he/she fears. The key word here is "gradually." Try to engage just in one-on-one interactions initially, and then, once you feel comfortable with these types of interactions, slowly start to increase the number of people with whom you interact.

Have a go-to topic in mind at all times. Now that I have a baby, this one's easy for me! Who doesn't love talking about babies? My other go-to topic is tennis, and in college it was virtual reality therapy. If you're having someone over to your house or you're going out to a party, try to have a few topics in mind that you can whip out if you're starting to feel anxious. Since it often takes me awhile to warm up in social situations, I frequently find myself thinking of something to say after the people with whom I'm talking have moved on to a different topic. Sometimes I will go ahead and throw out my thoughts anyways because I find that it's often better to say something than to say nothing at all, but it really depends on the situation.

Join a sports team or meetup group. Just because you're out of school doesn't mean you can't join a sports team! There are tennis, soccer, basketball, softball, and surely other leagues available for adults, so get out there and sign up for one. Meetup groups are also a great way to meet new people. Joining a group of people who share your interests can also help increase your confidence in social situations.

Write in a journal. Although I've gotten better about over-analyzing social situations and ruminating about the past, I'll be the first to admit that I still do these things. While talking to people can be helpful, I've found that writing my thoughts and feelings down in a journal is more helpful because I don't have to worry about what people are thinking. It's just my thoughts and me. I've also used workbooks that employ cognitive behavioral activities, such as mood logs. Cognitive behavioral exercises are helpful because they allow you to see how changing the way you think can influence your behavior.

I've included a sample mood log that I used to use with my counseling students below. The percentages represent how much you believe in those negative feelings and thoughts before and after creating and reviewing your mood log. If you don't want to get too technical with the cognitive distortions, you can just point out flaws you see in your thoughts. For example, instead of listing "overgeneralization," I could write, "This one assignment is not going to determine whether or not I get a job in the future."

Relax. Some helpful relaxation exercises might include deep breathing, meditation, and/or yoga. Try taking several deep breaths and relaxing your entire body and mind before and after engaging in a stressful social situation.

Use positive self-talk. Instead of over-analyzing situations, try to engage in positive self-talk. Tell yourself that you are smart, friendly, nice, confident, etc. As long as you believe it, that's all that matters. Life is too short to spend your time ruminating about what you could have or should have done or said. Focus on the positives and keep moving forward!

Don't get me wrong, I still spend way too much time thinking about what others are thinking about me, and I still get nervous in social situations. However, the above strategies have helped me to increase my self-efficacy regarding speaking in front of people, meeting new people, attending parties, etc. They have also helped me to obtain that adult human interaction that we all need sometimes.